A Walk Back Through Time

A Walk Back Through Time

I find it interesting the last blog post I wrote, a little over two years ago,...can't believe its been that long...was entirely true. I wish I would listen to the little voice that lives inside me- she's right- every single time and I just can't deny that- even though I try, a lot.

It's been an interesting two years. I wish I could say Sept. 17, 2010 (my last blog post) up until now was a time of great reflection and wisdom. Sadly, the reflection and wisdom showed up six months ago (better late then never, I'm afraid), because...there was no other choice. 

Going back in time, what I can I tell you to catch you up? From my last entry up until my 37 birthday- yep- I'm 37- shhhhh, don't tell anybody- I fought to keep everything in my life at status quo, although, "status quo" was turning into the most toxic environment imaginable and once again, I found myself in familiar territory- no aspect of my life was safe. 

And, you can only fight the good fight so long before the inevitable takes over. And, there you go- the inevitable won. No relationship- no job- new apartment all within 10 days. And, the day after I moved into my new ocean-view apartment, two days after I lost the job I had for six years- I had a birthday. 

This wasn't any ordinary birthday. No, I received an amazing sign. Rain. Not just any ordinary rainstorm. No. This one came with thunder, lighting and a sheer downpour. Did I mention I live in Southern California- the land of no rain? I had to believe it was a sign or else, God's contempt? No, a sign. Staying positive helps in these situations. So, I imagined God was erasing my past- washing my slate clean- a total proverbial metaphor if you will. And, that was the only way I could digest it all. 

Two months later, I lost my beautiful apartment because it was a three-month lease that came with a crazy landlady. So, a friend I recently met offered me (and my cat he still is allergic to) a place to stay- his house. Luckily, it was a three-bed/bath condo and I was afforded my own room and place to shower. It was home- for three months. 

The week after I moved in- luck turned a corner-or perhaps I should accredit my sharp wit- it's a toss up. I landed the job of my dreams- and still couldn't be happier. Two months after that- I finally found the apartment of my dreams and as I type this, I'm listening to the waves roll and crash along the shore. It's a sound that wakes me up in the middle of night- I'm guessing, I'm still trying to believe its real. 

That's my little walk through time... the job or the most toxic environment imaginable-  had to go- and I'm so relieved the three-year relationship is now closed. Everything needed to end and if you ever doubt change happens for a reason- I'm here to advocate, life has a higher purpose and it knows exactly what you need. Even if you don't know it yet or if you're like me and were fighting it. Clearly, after reading my last blog entry I knew change was in the cards and it was something I was afraid to do. It's sad when you think about it- I let life take over and force change.

I was writing during this time, although, it wasn't for the world to see at the time, so... why not share it now. Perhaps you can benefit. Perhaps, if you're going through something similar you can find comfort, but honestly- I want you to find courage to make the necessary changes you're not yet willing to make. 

And, know- even though it might seem the waves are crashing on you- pushing you deeper into the sand or you might feel the waves are dragging you into the undertow- pushing you into the depths of ocean- you are more than just okay- you're just fine. No matter what happens, the universe has a way to make sure you're alright. You just need a little faith.

Written March 23, 2012
On the Outside
You're on the outside
With me on the in
The door's still open
I'm waiting wide-eyed
Come inside, let me in

It's time to do something
I'm tried of playing this game
It's time to engage
Just come alive

You're paralyzed in a trance
I'm blamed for all the wrongs
You can't move forward
I'm forced out of this dance
Reach out, let me in

What will it take
To make you come back
Shake off your cold embrace
It's time to engage

I'm standing in a vulnerable place
I'm alone, it's just me this time
There is nothing I can do
Fear holds the cards
You're all I ever knew

Can you escape the fear?
Don't you want me?
It's the only move you haven't tried
And, I'll still be standing here
So sad, I'm still here