Do I Want to Find Someone New?

Within the last three months, I’ve been on a dry spell. A dating dry spell. I’m almost at that mark where this is the longest stretch of time I can remember without having a date or dating someone. I’ve had a couple dates here and there, but finding the right connection has been hard. It’s so hard.

Why is that?

People, in general, are meant to interact. We want to connect- engage if you will- with someone else. Most of us are social creatures by nature. I am. And, I’m finding my ability to connect with someone else is blocked by obstacles. Obstacles- I just now in this every moment realized- are from my own making. I am a dating disaster of one.

I can only reflect on a friend’s recent wisdom. Let’s start with the obvious description of this friend, he’s male and one of the most intelligent people I know. That’s why I have to admit, his read on me is down-right accurate, which is a little disturbing because his assessment went a little something like this:

“Alicia, you are one in a million, you bring qualities to the table and set the standard men compare other women too. But, the one and only quality men exclude of yours is your uncanny ability- and I know this is going to sound crass- but you can grab a man by his balls and in the very same moment- caress them. I guess what I’m saying is you can emasculate a man, but then empower him at the exact same time. You know you can do that!”

Granted…there might have been several beverages involved- on his part- not mine. I was in bed listening to him, slowly nodding my head and silently acknowledging the tears wetting my face. He’s right. I can see through people, see their vulnerabilities, their fears and their desires. I have to learn to keep my observations to myself and keep that mouth of mine shut! I’m not going to lie…that’s a little hard to do at times.

I’ve known for a while- over the last year or so- my guard is up when a man enters the picture. When I’m living in the moment enjoying an intimate conversation, the word ‘trust’ forsakes me. It’s clear I am nowhere near ready to let a man get close to me. There’s a little voice inside my head saying, “Can you please stay an arm’s length away at all times?”

I’m afraid.

And, being afraid and addressing that fear is a topic this blog is no stranger to. I've been sabotaging things before they even get started. I haven't given them a chance. But, what can I do to combat yet another fear? I’m beginning to understand. Fear. It never leaves. It transpires and transcends and becomes unrecognizable forms without end. It'll never go away, but perhaps there are some things we can do to keep fear at bay...

Fear. A Home without End

Fear- my old foe- you found me again
I’m wondering- did you ever leave
Or did you stay, transform and
Decide to interrogate me?

I’m going with the later
No matter what I do
No matter where I turn
Or what path I go down- I find you

We need to find a balance

A little more to and fro
I'll let you choose, but

Someone's going to win and someone’s going to lose

I’m not going quietly
My feet have found steadfast ground
I can reopen my heart
And let love rebound

Is that what I want?
That's where the question lies
Can I tolerate non-acceptance
And more demons than I realize?

If that’s what will keep fear at bay

Then, the challenge is accepted
Here’s to rediscovering myself
And, not letting fear be neglected