Evaluations (of now, 34 years)

Laying in bed, ever wonder how you got to be where you are and/or who you are?
Everything is up for evaluation when turning 34. At least, that's what happened to me this morning.
I might have had an inkling this day was coming, which is why I tried to distract myself by enjoying the last few days of being 33. I decided you are a particular age for a relatively short time, so why not enjoy the last few moments of 'em.
**Note to self: Adopt this philosophy when turning 35!

Okay, so alarm hits at 7:30 a.m. (waking up just a little late today) and the brain synapses are firing trying to take the lead in the race.
Career:
Did I expect to be here?
Answer = Hummm, no!
Do I make enough money?
Answer = Hell NO!
Do I know whom I really want to be when I grow up?
Answer: YES, but how much longer can I "fuck" around then??
Am I on that path?
Answer: Kinda . . . need to become more diligent, yep - that's the ticket. Then I'll have everything I want ;) (**sigh, "right??")

Family:
I am very connected to my family. My god, I'm on the phone with at least one of my parents every few days . . . but a lot has been going on as of late and considering we live over 1,600 miles apart - staying connected is a good thing.
Wanting a family of my own . . . completely not ready for that!
Did I think I'd be saying that at age 34?
Answer = No, but all happens within its own place and time. No need to worry!

Friends:
They are the best! Absolutely great people, who I love very, very much!

Relationships:
Okay . . . this is where it gets tricky.
Currently, I'm happy in the relationship I'm in. There is no roller coaster in sight, which is exactly what I need.
Actually, I think I'm getting exactly what I need. I don't think I've ever said that before.
There is laughter here and just a lot of fun all the time!
Perhaps maybe I've learned a few lessons or two and it could be, that I've learned a lot about myself, which I think makes this one a little different.
Really different.

Past drama or is it trauma . . . not sure at this point.
Images, conversations, and events are starting to flood my mind. I guess, you cannot repress everything and certain circumstances demand to be dealt with.
And over the past three to four days, that's what I've been doing.
Learning to deal with little indiscretions that "pop up" literally into my mind and make me remember.
Perhaps this is me healing . . . getting it out.
It's nice to know I can react to some things. I am human and I can cry.
I should cry.
A lot happened and I shouldn't forgot, blow it off, or say "it doesn't matter" - it does matter.

Lessons Learned:
As my father said this morning, "you did what you had to do to get through that particular curve in the road. You're on the straight pathway now. Be proud of what you've done, what you accomplished. You put your head down and plowed through it, just as you're supposed to.
Stop being hard on yourself and try to be thankful you have a capacity most people don't. I didn't raise you to be weak and I'm proud of you."

Not sure, if it was hearing his voice filled with such determined pride that put a little spark in my eyes today and a broad smile on my face. Or leaving Pacific Beach this morning with a warm feeling inside, peaking for a just a moment at the cool blue ocean and realizing at age 34, I have a pretty spectacular life.
I am blessed. I live in one of the greatest cities on earth.
I have a decent career - it is something to be thankful for. I am surrounded by great people who care and love me and then, there's this guy in my life . . . and I'm staring to wonder . . . that maybe, second chances for happiness are possible.