Do I Want to Find Someone New?

Within the last three months, I’ve been on a dry spell. A dating dry spell. I’m almost at that mark where this is the longest stretch of time I can remember without having a date or dating someone. I’ve had a couple dates here and there, but finding the right connection has been hard. It’s so hard.

Why is that?

People, in general, are meant to interact. We want to connect- engage if you will- with someone else. Most of us are social creatures by nature. I am. And, I’m finding my ability to connect with someone else is blocked by obstacles. Obstacles- I just now in this every moment realized- are from my own making. I am a dating disaster of one.

I can only reflect on a friend’s recent wisdom. Let’s start with the obvious description of this friend, he’s male and one of the most intelligent people I know. That’s why I have to admit, his read on me is down-right accurate, which is a little disturbing because his assessment went a little something like this:

“Alicia, you are one in a million, you bring qualities to the table and set the standard men compare other women too. But, the one and only quality men exclude of yours is your uncanny ability- and I know this is going to sound crass- but you can grab a man by his balls and in the very same moment- caress them. I guess what I’m saying is you can emasculate a man, but then empower him at the exact same time. You know you can do that!”

Granted…there might have been several beverages involved- on his part- not mine. I was in bed listening to him, slowly nodding my head and silently acknowledging the tears wetting my face. He’s right. I can see through people, see their vulnerabilities, their fears and their desires. I have to learn to keep my observations to myself and keep that mouth of mine shut! I’m not going to lie…that’s a little hard to do at times.

I’ve known for a while- over the last year or so- my guard is up when a man enters the picture. When I’m living in the moment enjoying an intimate conversation, the word ‘trust’ forsakes me. It’s clear I am nowhere near ready to let a man get close to me. There’s a little voice inside my head saying, “Can you please stay an arm’s length away at all times?”

I’m afraid.

And, being afraid and addressing that fear is a topic this blog is no stranger to. I've been sabotaging things before they even get started. I haven't given them a chance. But, what can I do to combat yet another fear? I’m beginning to understand. Fear. It never leaves. It transpires and transcends and becomes unrecognizable forms without end. It'll never go away, but perhaps there are some things we can do to keep fear at bay...

Fear. A Home without End

Fear- my old foe- you found me again
I’m wondering- did you ever leave
Or did you stay, transform and
Decide to interrogate me?

I’m going with the later
No matter what I do
No matter where I turn
Or what path I go down- I find you

We need to find a balance

A little more to and fro
I'll let you choose, but

Someone's going to win and someone’s going to lose

I’m not going quietly
My feet have found steadfast ground
I can reopen my heart
And let love rebound

Is that what I want?
That's where the question lies
Can I tolerate non-acceptance
And more demons than I realize?

If that’s what will keep fear at bay

Then, the challenge is accepted
Here’s to rediscovering myself
And, not letting fear be neglected

The Pacific Brings an Overnight Guest

I don't think I've referenced my Sherpa at all in this blog. But, it's true, the amount of change I've endured and the strength I've acquired to shift my perspective in the last 18 months has all come from a few conversations with her. She made note of that as she read through my last blog entry. "Hummm," she said. "There are some points in the first paragraph that sound so familiar!" And, it dawned on me that as usual, she was right. So, in the spirit of giving credit where credit is due, it goes to her. All of it.

This girl is a coveted spirit; being around her will definitely awaken your soul. She can energize any room and her affection has prolific effects on the people it. The song, "Little Drummer Boy" was written for people like her in mind. She 100 percent marches to the beat of her own drum and surely is one-of-a-kind.

I say that because she brings this delectable sense of freedom to any occasion and you feel like you can almost reach out and grab it the sense of freedom is so real. One of her favorite sayings is "I'm of this world, not from this world," and honestly, you have to admire her ability to connect and let go of all material holdings the rest of us feel pressured to acquire and achieve. 

The biggest element she's taught me is to dig and dig deep into your soul for what you really want. All our actions point to something we need and usually it's our egos that get in the way. For example, what we think we deserve or what we think we should of or accomplished isn't where your focus should be, instead you need to connect with the present moment and what's happening right around you right now.

And a blog tribute wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention one of her most admirable qualities that she does everyday is swimming or dunking herself in the Pacific. No matter the temperature of the water or how many surfers bogart the waves, she'll wonder out there into the blue depths in a white bikini and submerges herself completely without fear, without hestitation. I can't bring myself to do that although I stare out onto the Pacific every day watching the waves curl and pound along the surf break. I cop a squat along the sand and watch her mermaid tattoo come to life as she holds her nose and dives head first into the waves.

To Swim or Jump In
What's the ocean to you?
A place of escape?
Where the impending blue awaits?
Pulls, pushes and cascades
Never tired and never through

Commanding and daring
My mysterious deep
She shows her vail
Letting you peak beneath
Beckoning to dive in

Toes grip the sand
Digging in, hanging on
Unafraid of the sound
Walking until there's no ground
The water frees your feet

Waves roar as an invitation
The call to investigate beneath
Submerged by its force
Your head dips into the arc
It's coolness churns your blood

Head up, stay above
Paddle with your hands
Kick with your feet
Swimming back to land
Drenched with sighs of relief

Restoring Faith

It seems like it's been forever and a lot has changed. I went through another round of job loss, spent the summer enjoying the San Diego sun and actually, dated a little bit. Sounds hard right? Truth- it was.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in 2012 was it's not your job that defines you- but the person you are. This summer, I learned how to trust the universe and give up everything you want to it and it will find you. Sounds like a brand of hippie craziness right? Truth is... it works.

Once you discover its true possibilities, its shocking what the universe can really do. Everything we project-it feeds and transcends. If you're making the same mistakes over and over again, perhaps it's what your projecting.

For me, my path was focusing on what I wanted every day- happiness and prosperity. And, I ended up with an amazing job opportunity that is $35,000 more than I've ever made. Granted, the company I signed on with is being purchased by a huge conglomerate, but....every cloud has a silver lining.

The happiness part came from within. I am finally 100 percent happy with me, being alone with me and happy within the life I've created. I seek outside validation less and less and can fill myself up with without needing to rely on others. Of course, life clearly isn't all about money and internal happiness. It's about sharing it with someone. And, not just anyone- but someone great.

Right before summer, I told the universe all the characteristics I wanted in a man. You know, the important ones, like over six feet tall, physically in good shape, someone I was attracted to. Well, in true universe fashion, I met a man who had all the qualities I put out there. The relationship just lacked what is most important: love, acceptance and commonality. It lacked those attributes because I realized... I never asked for it.

So now, I'm focused on a new universal prayer, believing I will find the right man who I am attracted to and he'll also love me for the woman I am. But, as the universe can sometimes take its time on fulfillment, I decided to make my own little prayer.

Restoring Faith
Heart block, unblock and hear my plea
We need to let go; become open to possibilities.
We've been hurt, crushed and dejected
With needs unmet and feelings of not being accepted

We've left in recent tries where in the past we stayed
Believing dreams can come true when we prayed
We've come far in the name of tried and true
But, now is the time for renew
Build upon what we couldn't see
Take a risk and believe in thee
Release the block to love again
Believe once more in what couldn't be.

Solace

Relationships are interesting facets of our life- we have multitudes: family, co-workers, friends and then significant others whether they are temporary or long-term. I am blessed with amazing friends, unbelievable family and pretty awesome co-workers. 

The only missing aspect is a “significant other” relationship. The good news, regardless of what I don’t have- I’m really happy in the very moment I’m in. For the first time in years- and by years, I’d say at least 10- I am happy. There is no stress. 

And, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am surrounded by solace. I would like a relationship, but I don’t need one. Perhaps, it’s the best time for one. The only trouble is- my guard has to come down. 

And, that is another feat all on its own.      

Driving Past
Find myself thinking about the past
Of you
Of what you might say
The next time we cross paths
I finally sleep
It’s a beautiful sleep
But, dreams creep through
Intruding on my slumber
You do
I’m cataloging everything you said
Filing it away
No more criticism, harshness and disapprove
No more abandonment
No more fear
No more you
I drive by every day
Happy I don’t make the turn
Happy to not be pulling in
Happy to come home on my own
No return

Dalai Lama and Humanity

A good friend of mine took me to see the Dalai Lama when he visited San Diego this Spring. This was my birthday present and by far- the best gift I've ever received. I hope you find as much inspiration in this quote as I did.

The Dalai Lama was asked what surprised him most about humanity, and he answered:

"Man... Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then, he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as though he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

Recounting Encouragement

Not so much a poem, but an actual recount of events... am I blessed? I think so. I am surrounded my amazing friends and family, and without them- I wouldn't be standing.

Written June 28, 2012

Reflect. Recover. Renew 

He hurt me in ways I can't articulate

He's renting permanent space in my head

The whole time I'm deciphering who's more to blame

As reasons swirl around- I'm paralyzed

No escaping the fate surrounding me

My friends and family rally around

"You've suffered so much loss,

Keep moving forward, don't give in!"

I am amazed by their support

Their love and commitment forces me 

To face another day

They believe in me, 

The only disservice I can do

Is not to embrace their attitude

If they can believe in me, 

I can surely believe in myself

"You will always move on," my mother says

"It's the reason you're able to love again.

He doesn't have your gift

He's paralyzed with fear.

You, my darling girl, can achieve anything.

Keep moving forward, walk toward your dreams

It's there you will find everlasting peace

You're more than just okay

You're more than strong enough to find your way."

It's time to let go

No more emotion

Time to give the memories to the sea

As the wave pound ashore

New life is forming

The sea swirls, curls and is calling

Beckoning me.

Better Out Than In...I Say

Better Out Than In... I Say- is one of my favorite lines from Harry Potter. Hagrid, the game keeper, says this line and delivers it well. So, since I have the courage to write and share thanks to the lovely glass of red wine beside me- it's best to get it out and share how I processed that much change- see blog entry from two minutes ago...

My reflection comes from what I can write down- putting words on paper helps me get the emotion out. So, since this is a night to start a new blog chapter- out with the old and onto the new...which means the old has to come out first...

Written June 28, 2012

Closure Foretold

It hurts in ways that cannot be foretold

Love's most generous gift also makes it bold

The moment is grand, it sweeps you off your feet

And then, it can tear away your strong footing

Leaving you cowering beneath

Stand tall

Stand proud

You'll find your path somehow

The days will pass

Your heart closing at last

Have faith

Let go

Don't waiver this course

Keep her steady now

You know this too will pass

Did he give?

Could he love?

Did he accept what you're made of?

Are you strong?

Did you care?

Always say you would be there?

Did you try?

Did you learn?

He just walked away

What else could you do?

He never trusted

It wasn't you.

He was too afraid you'd leave

Facade and falsified

Who was he really?

He's no longer part of you

He choose to pull away

No commitment - don't ever say...

My heart bleed all over the floor

Loneliness is the same

With or without you- no shame